It has been 15 months since my boyfriend and I broke up. Bakit ba hindi pa ako umiibig ulit? Is that really the question or it would be most likely, bakit ba hindi mo pa ulit binubuksan ang puso mo para sa iba.

Yes, i'll admit it, he's still the one who holds my heart. Sya pa rin ang laman ng puso at isipan ko. At kung bibigyan pa kami ng chance, well, kung sakaling "magkamali" ulit ang tadhana for us, i will grab the chance, at swear i won't let that slip away. I'm still willing to do anything and everything to the man i love the most.

Hindi ko alam kung mali ba ako na nag"give all" ako ng love for him. Because maybe, i thought he's the one. Pero di naman natin masasabi na mali ang isang tao unless something not good happen and then you two go to separate ways. Oh well, God knows how I loved that man. My heart will always be open for him and he will always have the biggest space in my empty heart.

So bakit nga ba hindi pa ako nagmamahal ulit? Sabi kasi nila, kapag nagmahal ka, be sure na ready ka din masaktan. Yun yun eh! Yung ready ka masaktan!! Maybe i'm still not ready for another heartache. I spent fifteen months for crying rivers of tears for my previous relationship, ayoko namang mangyari ulit yun. I think, i had enough. Masyado ng masakit ang puso ko for that. Hindi naman ako nagpapaka-nega na masasaktan ulit, agad agad. Pero face the reality, it's the truth, you must be ready to anything that will happen, which, at the moment, i'm not yet prepared.

The problem with me is, when I love, I "GIVE ALL". Trust me. I would be willing to do and give everything to the person i'm in a relationship with. Because I want things to work out. I want to have an extraordinary relationship. Not like with the movies but something I could be proud of. So i'm still waiting for the man who would be worth for the love i'll give. I guess nasa tabi tabi lang sya. Hahaha!

Nagaaral pa ko <-- yan naman eh. Yan naman madalas kong dahilan. BUT. That is so true. Malaki ang obligasyon ko sa pagaaral ko, kapag nagboyfriend ko, madadagdagan nanaman obligasyon ko. Siguro sa Med school nalang na ako magboyfriend, para parehas kami ng tinatahak na career, so malalaman namin yung obligation at need ng isa't isa.

It's so hard to trust. After what i'd been? I was cheated. How can I trust other people na hindi nila ako lolokohin at sasaktan? No one will ever know. So how can I love when I don't have a trust to others? Takot ako. Sobrang laki ng takot ko, baka kasi, hindi ako enough for a person. I feel like i'm always not enough for someone. Parang everybody needs something better which is not me. Parang di ko sila deserve. Pero i know naman na dadating yung time na makikilala ko yung taong deserve namin yung isa't isa :)

High maintenance. Mahirap akong maging girlfriend. I swear. Demanding, maarte, moody, mapagutos. So pano naman may magtitiis saken kung ganyan ako? Kawawa naman yung next boyfriend ko, sana he won't give up on me, kasi ngayon palang, sinasabe ko na, i won't give up on him.

I prayed that God would take away all the pain, fear and anger here inside my heart, so there will be a light on me and I can be ready to fall again. And i hope, to a deserving person.