hi
20 | UPIS | CEU
SEXY and CAREFREE
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lara monica
This blog's consisting of super emotional feelings. Better be prepared for heartfelt narratives. All the written "stories" in here are based on a true-to-life story.
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countdown to 3rd.
I can't sleep, there is this urge that I NEED to get this off my chest.
I suddenly feel sad, i mean this is usual but this past few days, i didn't find myself overthinking.. overthinking him... it has been a while since i last shed tears for him, maybe a week or two? Haha, kidding aside.. i've been too busy these past few weeks, di ko na sya nabigyan ng space sa utak ko, yup I still think about him at times but not this much, not tonight..
I miss you, A LOT. And by that, i mean, i miss your voice, i miss your hands, i miss your smell, I MISS US... i wish i could have a time machine and get back to that time when you and i were still together.. those times when not a day would pass by that we would not argue about random things and it would take a long time before we would make things up. But honestly, i miss that.. i miss having conversational arguments with you then make up after. I miss how you stood and stick up with your opinion.. i miss that.
In a few days, i will be celebrating my 3rd independece day.. our break up anniversary. How stupid am i to remeber that day that everything screwed up? I wish i just lost track on that, it's not really a day to remember rather a day that deserves to be forgotten.. that day i think was the start how miserble my life got.. and i seriously haven't moved on from that day..
I miss you. I'm saying this again.. i just want you to know that I am trying hard not to miss him and think about him as well, but still i find myself thinking about him and what happened to us over and over again.
WHY. "WHY" is still the main question.. why did it happen? Why did he left me? Why can't he just go back to me and we'll continue what we've started 5years ago? Why.. they say everything has there own reasons, there are always reasons behind WHY things happen this and that way.. but it has been 3years and i haven't got any answers yet..
Why can't i just forget you? Why can't i move on from you.. i just want to pretend that i have moved on but i will just only fool myself..
19dihan mo na.:)
Let me start my blog post by saying HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY!! I was really about to write a blog for your birthday last Friday but you texted me so my attention diverted to you. Actually same lang naman. hahaha! So this post will be about your birthday, as much as possible I will try to avoid to have drama kahit alam kong hindi ko kaya :) I also wanted to be the first one to great you, kaso mukhang hindi naman yun mangyayari, so dito ko nalang idadaan, plus ayoko ng mahabang text kasi baka hindi mo pansinin. So I guess, this will be better.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FOREVERMORE, MY FIRST AND GREATEST LOVE, MY ONE AND ONLY, MY BABE, MY LOVE.
Happy 19th birthday, as people always say, 19 kana, nineteendihan mo na din ang mga bagay bagay. Last year on being a teen, sweetheart. you better make the most out of it though di kapa talaga nadedebut. Ang bilis ng panahon no.. parang kelan lang, you're just a boy I used to pass by the corridors of UPIS. Malay ko ba kung sino ka, little did I know na magiging malaking parte ka pala sa buhay ko, and that's cool. Alam ko na nun yung birthdate mo kaso i didn't had the chance to greet you kasi hindi pa tayo nun masyadong magkakilala at close.
Your birthday on 2010, I can't remember anything about that, all I know is we were so happy back then celebrating our birthdays together as well as Christmas and New Year and all other occasions, TOGETHER. During your birthday on 2011, we had a fight. hahaha. Ewan ko ba, baliw kasi ako nun eh, mahilig akong mangaway (kahit ngayon naman). Yun yung may training ka sa Meralco tapos kumain kayo nila Tita sa Metrowalk. Di kita tinext nun kasi magkaaway tayo. And regret that, a lot.. Kung alam ko lang na yun na pala yung last birthday mo na magkasama tayo, I should have treated you better, I should have surprised you or did something that could make you happy.. baka sakaling nasalba ko pa nun yung relationship natin (I always blame myself for our break up). Pero hindi naman na natin mababalik yung panahon, natapos na yun, hindi na ako makakabawi pa.. And then 2012, of course hindi kita binati. HAHAHA. I know you understand. 2013, I greeted you with "happy birday kahit wala kang bird", I thought it would be funny kaso binara mo lang ako, so naisip kong pinagbawalan ka nyang kausapin ako, kaso hindi na pala sya.... iba na pala. So anyway, 2014 na, it's a "new year" and some things must be left behind. Here I am greeting you a happiest birthday :)
Remember this photo? Hahaha. You were 14. 14yrs old ka palang, mahal na kita. 19 kana ngayon.. It has been 5 fucking years and I still feel the same way about you. hehehe :) tignan mo hitsura natin dyan, we're still nenes and totoys.
And this, is a much better photo of us together during my 21st. :) why do we look so good together? Nah. In my dreams. But I just want you to see how we became more matured. Not just physically but emotionally and mentally. Diba? mas matured kana nga sakin ngayon, I'm so left behind.
So here's a thing, I actually MADE something for you... Bibigay ko sana dun sa day na niyaya kitang magkita tayo, kaso may iba ka palang lakad so hindi ako nagkarun ng chance para ibigay sayo yun... And then I gave up on you, I didn't text you.... Tapos tinapon ko...... HUHUHUHUHU. Akala ko kasi di kana din naman magttext, so instead of keeping it which will always remind me of you, tinapon ko nalang. Sayang pera, pero okay lang, parang pagmamahal ko lang yun sayo na tinapon mo lang, so sanay naman na ako hahaha jk.
But seriously, I wanted to surprise you. Balloons, birthday cards, birthday gifts, foods, friends, aka surprise party. Pero hindi ko yun magagawa (always may pero), wala naman akong karapatan at walang chance. Besides I won't see you anytine soon diba. Plus I don't wanna spoil you bc you're not mine, syempre mas gugustuhin natin gawin yun sa taong special, I mean, you're still special but you know what I mean. So in the NEAR future (please lang Lord), I would definitely do it for my guy. hart hart.
So there, sorry kung wala akong gift sayo. Etong blog post nalang.
I wish you all the best in life. Magandang career, studies, healthy and happy family. I know naman na how happy you are na with your love life so I don't have to wish you for that na. Basta always pray for His guidance. Magchurch ka every Sunday. Gusto rin ulit kita makasamang magchurch, pero.. HAHAHA, that's far from reality. Alam kong ilang years from now magkakaroon kana ng sarili mong restaurant, I'm really looking forward to that and I'm so excited for you.
I miss you. I miss you so much. Thank you for everything, thank you bc you MADE me feel special, secured and loved. Masaya ako dahil nakilala kita. I don't regret na minahal kita ng sobra sobra, kahit na nasaktan din ako ng sobra sobra. Kung bibigyan ako ng chance para mamili kung sinong mamahalin ko, I would always choose you. And papapiliin ako ng taon kung kailan ako ipapanganak, iwiwish ko na sana parehas nalang tayo ng taon, baka sakaling magiba yung tadhana sa atin. Pero diba nga, hindi na natin mababalik ang nakaraan at mababago ang tadhana. Namiss ko yung pamilya mo. Gusto kong sabihin sayo na sobrang naging masaya ako nung nakasama ko sila nung nasa hospital tayo, parang hindi nila pinaramdam sakin na hindi na ako yung girlfriend mo, rather they made me feel a part of the family. Thank you so much. nakakaiyak hahaha!
If ever naman na kailangan mo ng friend, nandito lang ako para sayo palagi, alam mo naman na yun. Kahit alam kong ako yung least person na lalapitan mo kapag kailangan mo ng tulong, I would always be willing to help u and your family. Superwoman kaya ako. Nandito pa din ako sa 20th, 21st 22nd 23rd 24th and so on birthdays mo. Hindi ako mawawala, ako ang masamang panaginip mo. hahaha jk. :)
Basta I hope you enjoy your day tomorrow kahit may bagyo. smile lang palagi.
I MISS YOU A LOT AND I LOVE YOU ALWAYS.
xoxo,
LARA MAGANDA SOBRA, RMT
PS. you don't really have to reply, I just hope you finished reading this. love yew so much. hugs and kisses all the way from Santolan to Pagrai. :")
WTF
Why does everybody's telling me to move on blahblah? OH MY GOD, FOR GOD'S SAKE, i'm trying my best to move on!! But he really had set the bars high and i can't move on!! I can't think of anybody else (yet) to spend my life with!!! OMG PLEASE STOP BRAGGING THAT IT WAS THREE YEARS AGO AND I HAVE TO MOVE ON?! WTF?! Ikaw ba yung nasaktan? Ikaw ba yung iniwan?? Ikaw ba yung niloko??? Ikaw ba yung minahal at nagmahal pero nauwi lang sa wala???!
2nd Independence Day
It's the 2nd anniversary of my "independence day". Wow. It has been two years.... Parang kelan lang, I was saying that, I can't imagine life without you, pero eto, 2 years na and I'm still breathing. Hehe. Do you miss me? Do you ever think about me? Or you've really forgotten me and everything we've been..
Di ako masyadong makatulog kagabi, remembering that night when I can't decide if I should give up or try harder..... But at the end of my thought, maybe it's time to give up... 'Cause someone is waiting to be your wonderwall.. There will always a part of me that will envy her... Because you chose her over me, because you chose to break my heart and give up our relationship for her. Alam ko namang masaya ka sakanya, and maybe, mas masaya ka sakanya kesa sa akin, but I can't blame you cos she's your first love... But I'm still holding on to the thought that maybe what we had was real..
I changed my display photo on facebook today, my "anniv selfie" in the place where I said yes. How can I ever forget that day and that place when it was the day when I felt the happiness an inlove person should feel. Well, thank u for making me feel that, for making me experience that kind of happiness, on the other hand, thank you for all the hurt and down feelings which makes me who I am right now, the stronger than ever Lara..
I can't deny but I miss you, I still miss you almost everyday especially when I see couples on the street. A question always pops out of my head..... What if? What if we're still together? Then there will always be follow up questions.. Are we happy? Are we living out life to the fullest? Or fighting for the same arguments we had years ago? I pity myself for thinking these questions.. I pity myself for missing you still, but can you blame me, I still have no one to give my love to..
But wait, maybe I don't miss you, I just miss the feeling of having someone whom I can run to, whom I can spend time to without being used to it, I miss that good morning and good night messages everyday especially the i love you fights. How I miss the feeling of being inlove. Masaya ba?
I hope that in this coming year 2014, I can finally find that someone who will love, care, and fight for me.
PS, I'm ready to get hurt again, but please, not as soon as possible..
PPS, I'll go back to december all the time..
PPSS, thank u for liking my picture.
Love,
The sexy and free.
used to.
Parang kelan lang (oo, kelan lang, eto nanaman ako) ako yung nagdadamot sayo. Ako yung nagsasabi ng "i love him (*insert name of the person I used to love here*). Ako yung nagbblog about happiness and the pains you brought (at that moment). Ako yung nagpopost ng stats and pictures every monthsary or every time we're together. Pero ngayon, I'm just reading the blog of your girl, na almost the same yung posts namin (my posts before) of how happy I was when we're together of how painful the day was whenever we're not okay.
Ang galing no, parang kelan lang. pero kung tutuusin, it has been almost 2 years since we broke up. Ang dami nang nangyari saken nun sa 2 years eh, as well as yours. Pero bakit ganun, I'm still blogging about you, about us, about what we used to be. Bakit hindi pa din ako nakakaget over sa lahat ng pain na nabigay mo saken. I'm so over you, but the pain I've been through because of you is a different story..
Nagsstalk pa din ako minsan sainyo (recently) since alam kong di na kayo okay, so I have the guts to look at your old photos and the girl's blog. It's funny to read her pains, parang nasasabi ko nalang na "been there, done that" or if I'm in the mood to be mean "buti nga sayo, dapat mas higit pa dyan yung maramdaman mo eh, more the pain i've been through" pero db, I'm still on the first one that I mentioned.
I always admit, I miss you, I wonder if you're missing me too. *brain: what about no?* hahaha. IKR. pano mo naman ako mamimiss eh may girlfriend ka. Pero ako, namimiss kita and all the bonding we had once upon a time. I miss your family. I miss your dogs (not). I miss your house. I miss your teammates. I wonder kung kumusta kana ba talaga. Kung yolo boy kana din ba katulad ko. baka magulat ako nakabanggaan na kita sa isang bar. hahaha. Siguro ang saya na moment yun. Well, kung wala yung girlfriend mo. But I know that's far from reality. I hope one day magkita lang tayo. Alam yun, unexpectedly. hihi.
trust issues (with myself)
I'm not really sure if I like this guy or I've just been happy on the way he treated me when we were together (plus other friends). I've always wanted to feel and to be treated like a baby or a princess, almost all my friends know that, that's why they treat me as if I am one. But this time, being treated like that by a guy has a different feeling. Hindi ko naman sinasabi na nagpapakita sya ng kagustuhan saken, and I know that he'll do it to all the girls out there. Pero yun nga yung point ko eh, he made me feel like I deserve to treated like that, he's so gentle na parang "you're too good to be true" ang peg.
Nung giniginaw ako sa bus, he let me borrow his jacket. Kahit na giniginaw na pala sya, nakonsensya tuloy ako. So I gave back his jacket, pero shinare pa din nya saken yun. So, we're on the same blanket ang peg.
I everybody knows how scared I am when it comes to dogs, lalo na kung mas malaki pa yun sa akin kapag tumatayo. Pagdating namin sa house nila....... he have 7 Siberian husky. Just imagine how big they are, tapos lahat ng kasama ko hindi takot sa aso. So super asikaso sya sa akin kapag nasa bahay nila ako. as in hinahatid at sundo nya ako from one room to another. hihi, kiligz phoewz. tapos parang nakahawak pa sya sa back ko kapag naglalakad kami kasi nga inaalalayan nya ako. hihi!
Next is when I can feel my body giving up on me (as always). parang magkakasakit na ako, kasi ang bigat na ng pakiramdam ko at ang init na ng mata ko. I just said na, medyo masama yung pakiramdam ko tapos biglang dumating na sya with a glass of water and med for me. OMG, I died a little inside.
Palagi pa kaming nagaaway sa buong getaway, away na joke lang naman, as in nagsasagutan lang naman kami sa mga banat namin. Pero nakakatuwa pa din. Sabi nya gusto daw nya yung mga babaeng matatakaw, eh hello????? number one ako dun. haaaaay. I can't think of any reason para di ko sya magustuhan. Siguro yung pagiging sobrang seryoso nya sa lahat ng bagay. hindi kasi ako ganun, I tend to treat everything as a joke or just let the problems pass by rather that solving it.
But the major drawback is.... he likes my friend. And I know how much he likes my friend and my friend likes him too, so ayaw ko naman makiepal sa love story nya. Plus he's not into bitches like me. Gusto nya yung mahinhin, mabait at matalino which is so not meeeeeeee. huhu. But he has everything that I wanted with a guy... Sana meron pang katulad nya na ako naman yung magugustuhan.
breakeven
Right now, (well, as always) I'm feeling down and over thinking the things that (again) happened in the past. Maybe I just haven't moved on and haven't let go of the things that hurt me and changed my life. Many things have already happened, experienced new things, met new people, went to different places, laugh at shallow things and cried for the different and of course, for the same reason again and again. I really wanted to be okay, to be okay in a way that I don't feel the hurt feelings I felt every time I remember it. I want to be okay in a way that I'm not hoping that things will be the same like before with the same person. I just wanted to be happy and live the life that I have now in the happiest that I can, to live my life to the fullest and be thankful to the things that made me cry and laugh and molded me to who I am right now.
I'm now listening to the song Breakeven by The Script. and this..
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathingyes, I'm still alive but I hardly catching my breath, this happens when I'm crying, crying so hard because of the pain. I always wanted to feel relieved, I don't want to feel regretful.. I made this decision, we chose this path and I know that everything is better this way, but why do I feel hurt if things are better this way? Because of this trial I've been through, I became more faithful, like everyday, I visited our chapel and pray, kahit na late na ako for our class, I still visit our school chapel, kasi I might break down within the day.
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even
Her best days will be some of my worstShe finally met a man that's gonna put her firstWhile I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven
He already have the girl he loved all along, his first love, the person who he loved even if he had me. I had this experience that I couldn't sleep even if I was tired because all I think was him, what will I do with our relationship, or what happened to us. ugh. so many things to think, so many realizations at night. so many heartaches.
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you, And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're okI'm falling to pieces, yeah, I'm falling to pieces
This morning, I remembered the time I literally fell into pieces. yung bigla nalang iiyak. yung wala nang magagawa kundi iiyak nalang. pero yung kahit anong iyak mo, hindi naman mawawala yung sakit eh, hindi naman mababwi lahat ng pain na naramdaman mo, hindi mo na mababalik yung time at buong buhay mong andyan na yung scar, maghilom man yung sugat sa puso mo, may matitira at matitira pa ring bakas na naiwan sa naranasan mo noong nakaraan.
They say bad things happen for a reasonBut no wise words gonna stop the bleedingCos she's moved on while I'm still grievingAnd when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even
As I've said, I made this choice, we chose this path, we know that things will be better this way, but why am I still feeling the pain? why do I feel hurt, why do I still feel cheated, why am i still crying, why am I still hoping that someday, they will feel the pain I felt but worst. That moment when I saw their pictures together, happy pictures while I'm still grieving, crying, hoping for another chance, holding on and not yet letting go, I fell into pieces and really hoped for death rather than feel the extreme emotional pain. There went a time pa na I'm not afraid to die, I crossed the street without looking on the left and right, and I wanted to jump on the rails of the lrt. sorry.
Letting go and moving on is far from easy. Easy to say, hard to do. I've tried so hard to be strong.... pero parang eto nanaman, nalulungkot nanaman ako all over again, thinking whys and what ifs, missing the person I loved most. The person i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The person I made plans with. The person who saw me at my best and worst. The person who made me laugh and cry but I still love him. I miss you, I miss you so much. And no enough words could say how much I miss you...